From: Dr. Dennis Perman of the Masteržs Program. 
Masters9@aol.com

Dear Doctor:

I remember a story of two monks walking by a river,  when they 
happened upon a young woman,  desirous of crossing the water,  but 
unable to do so by herself.  The monks,  sworn to celibacy,  were not 
permitted to touch women,  but sensing the urgency of her plight,  
one of the brothers picked her up and carried her across.

They continued on in silence until they reached the monastery,  when 
the other monk could bear it no longer.  "You touched that woman!  
Certainly you know that it is forbidden.  How could you do such a 
thing?"

The first monk smiled wryly.  "Ah,  but I put her down all the way 
back by the river.  It is you who have been carrying her since then!"

We all make mistakes,  and are faced with challenges each day that 
test our beliefs and ethics.  Sometimes,  a situation arises that is 
outside the usual decision-making,  and we have to take our best 
shot,  with few reference experiences to fall back on.  How often are 
we confronted with a difficult decision,  do the best we can under 
the circumstances,  and then proceed to beat ourselves up 
unmercifully in the aftermath?

It makes no sense to belabor or continue a mistake or problem in our 
minds long after the transgression has passed.  We need to learn to 
be kinder to ourselves,  and more forgiving,  and more loving.  This 
sets the stage for us to perform better the next time.

Here are some tools you can use to be kinder in your self-
assessment.  The primary way we communicate to ourselves is with 
our internal representation,  namely,  the pictures,  sounds,  feelings 
and self-talk we play in our minds.  Learning to manage your thinking 
is the best way to decrease your guilt,  anxiety,  and self-judgment.

Start by just tuning in to what's going on in there.  How do you tend 
to communicate with yourself?  Do you rely primarily on sounds,  
words or self-talk?  Or do you have moving pictures flying across 
your mental screen?  Or do you tend to dial into feelings and 
sensations?  How you process in general will give you clues as to 
how to shape your inner communication for optimal pleasure and 
productivity,  and minimal stress.

If you tend to think more in pictures,  then create a movie of 
empowerment that you can play before,  during,  or after a time of 
adversity.  See yourself performing excellently,  handling a problem 
well and emerging victorious.  If you tend to think in sounds or 
voices,  or in self-talk,  construct language or sound that supports 
you in a powerful,  compelling fashion.  Or,  if you work better in the 
feeling realm,  develop a repertoire of sensations that rescues you 
from self-defeating,  self-deprecating patterns.

Your willingness to let yourself up when you fall short of apparent 
perfection,  plus a little skill in changing your perceptions,  will 
help you to be happier and healthier overall.  You must hold yourself 
to the highest possible standards,  but when you err, find ways to 
free yourself from the encumbrances of overcerebrating your past.  
By appreciating yourself for what you do right,  you'll find that it's 
easier to show up at your best and recover quickly from down 
moments.

Dennis Perman DC,  for The Masters